live another day, for me

In conversations, love on January 27, 2007 by carinasuyin

I asked you if there was one question you could ask God, what would it be? You answered that you would ask Him, “Can I come home…? Like, now?”. Cool, I said, awkwardly, trying to find the humour in an answer that left me stunned. Then I felt a sadness I couldn’t explain as the weight of that answer sank in.

“What can you do?” she asked me,”There’s nothing you can do to change how a person feels about this. Can you give him the happiness or purpose he is seeking for? Can you fill whatever void he has? Short of talking to him, nothing, right?”. There is something about the matter-of-factness in the way she asked that question that reeks with helplessness, her voice strong yet apparent in hurt, somewhat echoing a reluctant surrender. I don’t know which one is easier, accepting the fact that I want to help but I can’t or that my help cannot change anything. Either way, it feels absolutely horrible. It makes me angry.

“Help him decide to help himself… I think God tries to thwart attempts by sending in people who care. Easier said than done, but you have to try, even if you know in the end, the decision is not yours to call.” Wise beyond her years, she offered some bittersweet advice anchored in reality.

I told you before that I know should you decide to end it all someday, I will not be able to stop you but for now I most certainly will not cease trying to influence your thoughts about it. You may or may not know it, but I am not the only one trying to do so. For me personally, I can’t think of any other more compelling reason why, other than because I am selfish. I cannot be comfortable with the idea that taking one’s own life means taking charge. I cannot live happily knowing that you might one day give up on yours. I would not be able to forgive myself even if I could forgive you. Whatever explanation note you might leave me, it would never render the confusion, grief and guilt that I will feel, any better. In the aftermath, no matter how hard I try to move on because hey, I’ve tried my best or it’s not my fault, it would still simply feel like crap, for a very, very long time and I will hate you for doing that to me. It is an irrevocable fact that you will not just be another statistic but by virtue of being my beloved friend… you would have created bad ripples in my life that will continue to affect a lot of other people. Heh. This is my current emotional blackmail attempt which I will update when I can think of a better one. I do not believe you would not care.

I want you to want to live, and to live, because I want you to be a witness to my life as much as I want to be one to yours. However mundane our lives might be, it has been made more interesting because we know each other. I want to annoy you with my pointless silly stories in return for whenever you rant about work and idiots. I want to be able to tell you that I have fallen in love and that I want to marry that person. I want to proudly tell you that I’m living the life I want and that I am happy. I want to tell you that I am scared shitless about becoming a mother. I want to hear all about your adventures and all the girls who swooned at your sight. I want to hear you tell me how much you adore that special someone you have finally found and how each day is made more beautiful by love. I want to see your wonderful photographs of people and things that you hold close to your heart, and then tell you I take better photographs haha… I want to see the many lives that you are touching and how you’ve grown with the years. I want you to tell me that I’m getting cornier with age and I will tell you your middle kingdom is expanding prosperously with each Chinese New Year. I want to hear you say that life sucks but it’s an adventure worth living. I want to know how you feel when you have a little boy of your own.

I just want you to know that wherever you and I might be, no chunks of us need to go missing and that you don’t have to walk alone, no matter how tired you are or how pointless it seems. Whenever you feel that the darkness is overwhelming, remember that many of us who love you can shine a little brighter for you till you find your own illumination, strong and bright. One day sooner or later, one of our lights will grow weak, and we would need yours to light our shadows. In your darkest hours, remember if you could this heartfelt outburst of mine or if nothing else, my selfish request, that you would please endeavour… to live another day, for me.


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