seeking for good ripples

In conversations, recollections on January 18, 2007 by carinasuyin

I don’t know if his family still lives there but I think of Tony every time I drive pass his house. I remember asking why nobody knew and how could he have been so alone with whatever he was facing, that he had to take his own life. I remember feeling awful that we lived a few rows apart and that I’ve neglected the “friendship forever” and “keep in touch” phrases scribbled into each other’s autograph books during those last days of innocence. I remember being overwhelmed by a stifling sadness when I saw the faces of my old classmates eleven years later at his funeral and getting a déjà vu of all those feelings when I met long-lost cousins that gathered for Amah’s wake. I know you don’t accept refunds of gifts but there is mercy, right? I hope he is no longer alone. Everytime I think of him, I am reminded that I need to listen more or pay a little bit more attention to those around me. Maybe that is his legacy to me, or perhaps my tribute to him…

Back in secondary school, I used to cry out of frustration when I got interrogated with questions about you that I couldn’t answer. Those were definitely intense years and girls can get a bit brutal, especially overzealous missionary ones in an all girls’ school. I just got confirmed and I was all fired-up to do your will and share the good news. Yet, they tore me apart. I couldn’t defend you, I didn’t know all the right answers. I still don’t but nowadays, I am hardly fazed. I only bother to discuss when I know the intention behind the asking is worth our time. I can’t help it, I get mad when people ask questions to set me up for religious transplants. I am just not evangelist-material or evangelist-friendly. Speaking of which, I still don’t get why they don’t get it. Why is there a need to save people who have, technically, been saved or are not on any endangered list? What is the preoccupation with such a wanton exercise of futility? Is it so difficult to celebrate the good in common rather than fight over the differences? This is perhaps why family feuds are just about the nastiest ones around.

I’ve always asked you questions, and though you’ve never really answered any of them, I keep asking. I apologise for the oft repeat of the same questions and ones that I already knew the answers to. Most of the time, my questions led to more questions and a lot of confusion. Why is that? Is this what it means to have faith and to build upon it? Can a monologue be a discussion? When I do find some semblance of an answer, they came about indirectly through the words a stranger uttered (sometimes not even to me), something the priest said in his homily, an episode of a popular tv drama series, a song I heard, a line in a book I am reading, heart-shaped bloodstains on C-fold paper or just some falling leaves. Were you trying to connect with me or was I desperately connecting subtext in my surroundings to you, and thus coming up with realisations as answers? Anyhow, I hope you know that I worry at times. My biggest worry is that my reception is flawed (or that maybe you got tired of listening to me) and therefore the answers I am coming up with are self-serving. That would be quite frankly, disastrous. So, can I have some reassurance from you sometimes, once in awhile, once in a blue moon, that I’m going about this the right way… please? Thanks and yeah, I’ll be coming in for some connection tuning soon… don’t give up on me, okie?


2 Responses to “seeking for good ripples”

  1. Maybe we have to consider the perhaps remote possibility that God does not like us, never wanted us and in all probability, he hates us. This is not the worst thing that could happen. We don’t need him. F#ck damnation, f#ck redemption, we are God’s unwanted children?

    So be it.

  2. hang in there, mate. i’ve “been there, done that”.

    still end up there these days!!! and each time, i’m reminded that no matter wat anybody say or think, nothing will ever change the way he loves us!

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