visages of fall

In kindred, stories on September 24, 2006 by carinasuyin

It’s the first day of fall today in New York, according to Ah Tan, who is currently nursing a jet lag on Long Island. The leaves are still pretty much green on the trees and she’s already missing the hustle and bustle of Singapore, familiar faces and places. She said all’s too quiet over there at the synchrotron.

Tonight’s a hot and humid one like most other nights on the island. Sugeo left for home two days ago and I’m missing the two chikoras terribly. There never seems to be enough time and enough days together, and the seasons change too fast. Melancholy hangs in the air of my room so thickly that it’d soon precipitate into rain. Hee… yeah, I’ll remember not to confuse the thyroids with the gonads lain kali alright? Something tells me that I’m never going to hear the end of that for the rest of my life from you two. Du du du…

They say the brightest colours of autumn are produced when dry, sunny days are followed by cool, dry nights- conditions favourable for the production of anthocyanins, the pigment that gives leaves their rich autumn riot of reds and purples.

Sitting atop a stack of plastic chairs in front of the house before Mama’s thanksgiving party, my eyes welled up as I told Atah how I’ve lost heart for what I am doing and that the three years may have been a waste. I will finish it, I said, although not as well as I started it. I suppose regrets were written all over my face as Atah replied that a mistake is only regretable when you don’t learn anything from it. It took everything I had to prevent myself from bursting into tears just as the evening rain fell around us.

The greatest goodbyes are usually the ones given in airports, bus depots or train stations but I guess the saddest ones are those said in the silence of the heart.

When you spend your days running away, there will come a time when all you want is to collapse into a big pile of fallen leaves, lay there breathless and then find yourself in the arms and warmth of someone who loves you, someone who is your sanctuary as much as you are his. Someone with the reasons for you wanting to stay.

So here I am, autumn in my heart… awaiting winter’s chill. Autumn is but a second spring, some might say… oh just let me say my goodbyes and make my peace, however incoherent, and then it’s full steam ahead, I promise, for I’ve got some serious catching up to do with growing up!

Fall, leaves, fall!


4 Responses to “visages of fall”

  1. through the lens of hindsight… there is no way to know what the future holds, so do not discount any possibility as you might end up with a self-fulfilling prophecy. remember too, that after winter is spring and after spring is summer… and so goes the cycle of life.

  2. will remember that, thanks! 🙂

  3. wow, a well written post.

    while i may not know wat excactly u r going thru, i can emphatise to some extent cuz some of the things u described are how i am feeling too.

    i’m an autumn person – and as the leaves around me change colurs, i am only reminded that it has been a year since i’ve left home – a year filled wif mistakes but loads of lessons learnt!

    hope everything works out for you.

    hang in there, kiddo! and keep the good writing coming!

  4. Thanks a lot for the encouragement! 🙂

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