Got plan?

Me: So do you have a plan?
John: Yes, but I can’t tell you. If I tell you, I’ll have to kiiiiilllll youuuuuu…
Me: Haa ha… So, really got or not?
John: Oh no… this is the result of watching too much Oprah.
Me: Oi, I only watch snippets of Oprah at your place!
John: Yeah, must not let you watch too much Oprah here…
Me: I don’t even watch Oprah at my place.
John: Too much Oprah is not good…
Me: The guy on Oprah say every guy has a plan.
John: Too. Much. Oprah.
Me: …

tale of the burning bush

Sheepgirl: My housemate sent me this text message round midnight on sat when i wasn’t back yet (i was actually downstairs playing with cats)
Sheepgirl: “yo gurl, i know you must be having a blast but it’s never a good idea to sleep with the guy on the first date”
Holly Moses: really
Sheepgirl: i went WTF (but in a funny laugh out loud way)
Holly Moses: Im about to say somthing seroiusly gross. Shoul I????
Holly Moses: No I wont…so
Sheepgirl: sayyyyyyy
Holly Moses: ok
Holly Moses: I would have text back and said
Holly Moses: Oh no…..dont worry…. we are just playing with pussy
Holly Moses: cats
Sheepgirl: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH i’m hyperventilating
The Other Sheepgirl: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Sheepgirl: Holly Moses, OYAAAAAAA CHAMPIOOOOOOOONNN
The Other Sheepgirl: *dancing(dance) Skype emoticon*
Holly Moses: *dancing(dance) Skype emoticon*

rukunegara

I know friends who find the first one non-applicable. I know people who consider this tanah tumpahnya darahku stuff as crap and can’t wait to get their one-way ticket out of here. I know we live in times where you can’t trust the people who are supposed to uphold the constitution. I know that the rule of law is amenable according to how much money you have and the power you wield. I know how in the name of race and religion, you can forget the simplicity and beauty of being human. I know that once upon a time, my siblings and I will create a makeshift pulley to raise the Jalur Gemilang up to the highest step of the staircase at home as we yelled Merdeka! with the crowds on tv and sang Negaraku at midnight. Pray tell, what relevance these five lines still have in these days when everyone wants to be an agent of change…

Kepercayaan kepada Tuhan
Kesetiaan kepada Raja dan Negara
Keluhuran perlembagaan
Kedaulatan undang-undang
Kesopanan dan kesusilaan

Happy 51st, Malaysia! I know I will never cease to love you.

i miss Atah

“Atah, everyone says I’ve lost weight. I’m still 52 kg lah. Maybe I lost fat or look real tired. Arrghh… haggard, must be…”
“Lost weight? OK no worries, come back and I’ll see if you’ve really lost weight. If needed, we’ll fatten you up.”
“Okie, that sounds good.”
“Have you eaten dinner? Or are you still at work?”
“Nope, I just got back. I’ll probably make some sandwich.”
“Sandwich? Go buy some proper food.”
“Lazy lah… I’ll eat and then sleep.”
“Lazy… Make sure you eat something ah?”
“Orh. See you this Friday, Atah!”
“Yup, see you soon.”

mein super Bruder

“Dingbatz! The interview wit TI was perfect. They say they would hire me but got 2nd interview in US. So glad!”
“Awesome! Awesome! Awesome!”
“It was grueling. Got grilled technically by 3 diff ppl plus lab session to check hands-on skillz somemore!”
“Wahlau! So if dapat, u kerja kat mana?”
“Kat Erlangen near Nuremberg. This means I will haf known both TI Tucson teams.”
“Woo! Dekat that glorious town for that salty yummy sausages?”
“Yes bebe. U can load up on that when come visit me.”
“Yum yum yummo! When will you start? You coming back for holidays first or not?”
“Dunno yet. Still got the 2nd interview wit Tucson ppl but wonder how big is dat. But will talk wit big boss soon.”
“Cool, how do you feel about this one? Do you like it?”
“Absolutely. I mean got grilled for 5 hrs plus, I known I can do it n they too. Job’s interestin, ppl are cool. Today’s grill team is Russian, Hungarian n Dutch.”
“AhGeo, me very happy for you n si beh proud of you ))”
“Thx suyinobadak! It was great to hear them say, “We can certainly get u up n ready for the job”! Heh Tues Bosch interview pulak.”
“Excellent! Viel Glück for your interviews k? Hee…Gute Nacht, mein lieber super Bruder!”

babies and his diet

A debrief from Ah Tan after one of her compulsory natural family planning classes…

“If your husband eats a lot of vegetables and fish, his sperms are more likely to produce girls than boys. And if he is a meat lover, your chances of getting boys are higher.”
“Uh huh…”
“Yeah, so if he is vegetarian, you’ll probably just get girls all the way.”
“What happens if he is an omnivore?”
“We are all omnivores what!”
“I meant if he eats a balanced diet of vegetables, fish and meat and what not. Then what happens?”
“I dunno…”
“You get transgendered babies?”
“Maybe.”

code-switcher

I spent the better half of last week being both irritated and amused with myself. One day during lunch, I caught myself speaking with a Brit accent while conversing with a colleague on my right and then immediately, switching to colloquial English without missing a beat when responding to another colleague on my left. My handphone would ring and I’d be mangling English with bits of Malay, Hokkien and Japanese, right after telling the taxi driver directions in a weird accented Mandarin that’s nowhere between Taipei and Beijing.

On another morning in the office, I find myself listening so intently to a Scottish colleague’s intonation till I was quite sure, had I said something in that instant, I would have sounded utterly and bizarrely Scottish. The same applied when chatting with colleagues from Australia or Hong Kong. There were also the dreaded cricket-call moments when someone would ask me if I had ever studied or lived overseas, and if my parents were 100% Malaysians.

Being among a bunch of native English speakers and Singaporeans with no predilections for absorbing accents, I can’t help but feel conscious of the way I speak. Honestly, if I were somebody else but me, I just might have the impression that I was trying hard to be a Mat Salleh celup. For the first time since a long time, I got stressed when I’m in a conversation! I ended up listening more and running sentences cautiously through my head each time before opening my mouth to give my two cents’ worth on something; a conscious effort to self censor which was downright annoying.

Hear me on the phone speaking Malay and you’ll probably never guess that I am Chinese. Five sentences of rudimentary Spanish were enough to charm a professor from Madrid in Amsterdam. Sometimes, I am told that I have some kind of international accent which people can’t place its origins. I believe I just sound that way whenever I speak English with proper enunciations and devoid of slang. Ah Tan says people get intrigued because my temporal accents sound genuinely convincing rather than mocking or faked.

Perhaps as how Jenn described it, it is an innate ability to dial up or down my English depending on who I am speaking with. Being brought up as a multilingual Malaysian without any confounding influence of a particular mother tongue such as Chinese dialects or the Malay language made it easier to switch between languages. My parents converse with my siblings and me predominantly in English and in the same rojak-ed manner that we picked up all other languages since young. For me, the Malay language was the lingua franca of childhood. Sometimes, I think I may not even have a mother tongue.

I don’t really know if it is a boon or a bane to have the knack of being sensitive to accents and the speech inflections of others. To unconsciously adopt accents and mimic intonations like some kind of linguistic sponge is a hundred times easier to me than picking up a piece of chicken meat with a pair of chopsticks. Like Peter Petrelli in Heroes who absorbs the powers of others and is able to recall them, I absorb accents and reproduce them. As much as I am annoyed silly at times, I am really, happily amazed at myself. I may be phonologically confused but as long as I am understood… I suppose, that is all that matters.