i miss Atah

“Atah, everyone says I’ve lost weight. I’m still 52 kg lah. Maybe I lost fat or look real tired. Arrghh… haggard, must be…”
“Lost weight? OK no worries, come back and I’ll see if you’ve really lost weight. If needed, we’ll fatten you up.”
“Okie, that sounds good.”
“Have you eaten dinner? Or are you still at work?”
“Nope, I just got back. I’ll probably make some sandwich.”
“Sandwich? Go buy some proper food.”
“Lazy lah… I’ll eat and then sleep.”
“Lazy… Make sure you eat something ah?”
“Orh. See you this Friday, Atah!”
“Yup, see you soon.”

mein super Bruder

“Dingbatz! The interview wit TI was perfect. They say they would hire me but got 2nd interview in US. So glad!”
“Awesome! Awesome! Awesome!”
“It was grueling. Got grilled technically by 3 diff ppl plus lab session to check hands-on skillz somemore!”
“Wahlau! So if dapat, u kerja kat mana?”
“Kat Erlangen near Nuremberg. This means I will haf known both TI Tucson teams.”
“Woo! Dekat that glorious town for that salty yummy sausages?”
“Yes bebe. U can load up on that when come visit me.”
“Yum yum yummo! When will you start? You coming back for holidays first or not?”
“Dunno yet. Still got the 2nd interview wit Tucson ppl but wonder how big is dat. But will talk wit big boss soon.”
“Cool, how do you feel about this one? Do you like it?”
“Absolutely. I mean got grilled for 5 hrs plus, I known I can do it n they too. Job’s interestin, ppl are cool. Today’s grill team is Russian, Hungarian n Dutch.”
“AhGeo, me very happy for you n si beh proud of you :)))”
“Thx suyinobadak! It was great to hear them say, “We can certainly get u up n ready for the job”! Heh Tues Bosch interview pulak.”
“Excellent! Viel Glück for your interviews k? Hee…Gute Nacht, mein lieber super Bruder!”

babies and his diet

A debrief from Ah Tan after one of her compulsory natural family planning classes…

“If your husband eats a lot of vegetables and fish, his sperms are more likely to produce girls than boys. And if he is a meat lover, your chances of getting boys are higher.”
“Uh huh…”
“Yeah, so if he is vegetarian, you’ll probably just get girls all the way.”
“What happens if he is an omnivore?”
“We are all omnivores what!”
“I meant if he eats a balanced diet of vegetables, fish and meat and what not. Then what happens?”
“I dunno…”
“You get transgendered babies?”
“Maybe.”

code-switcher

I spent the better half of last week being both irritated and amused with myself. One day during lunch, I caught myself speaking with a Brit accent while conversing with a colleague on my right and then immediately, switching to colloquial English without missing a beat when responding to another colleague on my left. My handphone would ring and I’d be mangling English with bits of Malay, Hokkien and Japanese, right after telling the taxi driver directions in a weird accented Mandarin that’s nowhere between Taipei and Beijing.

On another morning in the office, I find myself listening so intently to a Scottish colleague’s intonation till I was quite sure, had I said something in that instant, I would have sounded utterly and bizarrely Scottish. The same applied when chatting with colleagues from Australia or Hong Kong. There were also the dreaded cricket-call moments when someone would ask me if I had ever studied or lived overseas, and if my parents were 100% Malaysians.

Being among a bunch of native English speakers and Singaporeans with no predilections for absorbing accents, I can’t help but feel conscious of the way I speak. Honestly, if I were somebody else but me, I just might have the impression that I was trying hard to be a Mat Salleh celup. For the first time since a long time, I got stressed when I’m in a conversation! I ended up listening more and running sentences cautiously through my head each time before opening my mouth to give my two cents’ worth on something; a conscious effort to self censor which was downright annoying.

Hear me on the phone speaking Malay and you’ll probably never guess that I am Chinese. Five sentences of rudimentary Spanish were enough to charm a professor from Madrid in Amsterdam. Sometimes, I am told that I have some kind of international accent which people can’t place its origins. I believe I just sound that way whenever I speak English with proper enunciations and devoid of slang. Ah Tan says people get intrigued because my temporal accents sound genuinely convincing rather than mocking or faked.

Perhaps as how Jenn described it, it is an innate ability to dial up or down my English depending on who I am speaking with. Being brought up as a multilingual Malaysian without any confounding influence of a particular mother tongue such as Chinese dialects or the Malay language made it easier to switch between languages. My parents converse with my siblings and me predominantly in English and in the same rojak-ed manner that we picked up all other languages since young. For me, the Malay language was the lingua franca of childhood. Sometimes, I think I may not even have a mother tongue.

I don’t really know if it is a boon or a bane to have the knack of being sensitive to accents and the speech inflections of others. To unconsciously adopt accents and mimic intonations like some kind of linguistic sponge is a hundred times easier to me than picking up a piece of chicken meat with a pair of chopsticks. Like Peter Petrelli in Heroes who absorbs the powers of others and is able to recall them, I absorb accents and reproduce them. As much as I am annoyed silly at times, I am really, happily amazed at myself. I may be phonologically confused but as long as I am understood… I suppose, that is all that matters.

omong-omong

“So who would be your ultimate fantasy guy?”
“That’s a little difficult.”
“Come on, a wild guess… Brad Pitt?”
“Nope.”
“Nooo… not Brad Pitt? Is that even possible?”
“Okie, we’re talking in the context of fantasy, right?”
“Of course!”
“And men who are still alive?”
“You fancy any dead guys?”
“None actually.”
“Pray tell then!”
“My kind of guy has the intellect of Yul Kwon, the combined deliciousness of James Franco and Daniel Wu, the eclectic sense of Jamiroquai’s Jay Kay, the wicked wit of Anthony Bourdain, the charm of Hugh Grant, and the personality and cooking wonder of Jamie Oliver.”
“…”
“Let me know if you see such a guy.”
“This chimaera of yours is impossible to find.”
“A chimaera in my brain… He remains as such, a fantasy. Hee…”

chronic chat

An exchange of SMSes with a radiologist babe…

“Waa my chest xray report say i have unremarkable heart, pulmonary hila and mediastinum. So sad, i always tot i special.”
“If remarkable then u shud worry. Probably have to do CT scan.”
“Just kiddin, the report is funny. Also mentioned got bilateral rounded soft tissue densities possibly nipple shadows haha”
“Hah nipple shadow usually c in old ppl wan wor. Mayb izzit breast shadow? I wish i got breast shadow but my breast not big enuf to have shadow”
“Yikes, my breasts are saggy? Kenot be man, too small to sag. No way big enough for shadows!”

love in an instant

Just like Supra’s Form One mug with the incredibly happy-fying smile in my purse, sometimes all it takes is to just add water and stir up inexplicable emotions that just start or end the day on a high…

`Next time, go to the market more often and you will know which day the store operators don’t have to wake up early! And you too!’

`Augghhh.. Exam results 3.40 this afternoon.. Augghh *chewbacca roar*’

`Haloo tetikus, was at sign language class.. anyway momomeow scores an A! Hahaha… only 21 ppl got As.. Weee’

`Idiot siu mai… i’ll never 4get 1/1/07. my best fren spiked my peel fresh :-O’

`Ah meowww! How’s your Kembung McSambal? Hahahaha’

`Hi tick hugger and tick! Wah sudah ade fast internet?’

`Meow meow badak ong r u still in Petaling Jaya? Tell the other badak metallic eyeball logitech webcam is ready for broadcasting!’

`Lawak so chinaman punya pantun! Xin nian kuai le dingoes!! Boat cukup steam ka?’

`Ya ya.. just checking. still don’t know how to do it. *pengsan*’

`Great. Meet you downstairs at 7pm Ok? By the way we love the dress you wore the other day when you came by wid the brains :-)’

`You 2 very happy playing matchmaker hah? Go eat your chicken rice, cendol etc n meet some nice looking hunks la…’

`Good, good! U came down at the rite time, i was in dire need for sampatness! Thankx a bundle, siu mai! U’ll never know how much it helped.. muacks!!’

`Augh tetikus, kepala sudah mau letup.. So many donkey kecik mayu things to rmbr..’

`Uwekk, xin ku chips.. nvm lah, i habis baca then go n tido..’

`Good luck and God bless You.’

`woohoo! i knew its only a matter of time b4 some1 recognizes a talent like u! gd luck!’

`Goooddd lluucckkk for your interview! meowwww’

`Well done. God bless you and may your wish be granted.’

`hahahahahaha! lets cross our fingers and wish for the best!! Jiayou jiayou :)’